Washington D.C. – UNN

In a press conference that left reporters both confused and deeply concerned, former president Donald Trump claimed that his recent “ball numbers” are directly tied to his emotional state — specifically, his frequent bouts of “errection behavior.”

When asked what he meant by “ball numbers,” Trump responded confidently, “Everybody’s talking about the numbers. I have the best balls, maybe the biggest. Some say tremendous. And they go up when I get angry — it's scientific, probably.”

Despite clarification requests, the term “ball numbers” was never clearly defined, though aides later suggested it might refer to golf scores, poll numbers, or “something he just made up five minutes ago.”

Reporters were further thrown off when Trump repeatedly mentioned his “errection behavior” — an apparent mispronunciation of either “erection,” “election,” or a completely new Trumpism that no dictionary currently recognizes.

“When I get into an errection mode, things go through the roof,” Trump declared. “The numbers, the energy, the testosterone — believe me, it’s all connected. Obama never had this kind of errection energy. Sad!”

Medical experts and linguists alike have declined to comment, citing a need for therapy after watching the full 43-minute rant. Meanwhile, supporters on Truth Social have already adopted the phrase “Errection Vibes Only” as a rallying cry, with new merch reportedly in the works — including red caps embroidered with “Make Balls Great Again.”

As the 2028 election cycle begins to warm up, one thing is clear: Trump's balls — whatever they are — will remain at the center of his campaign strategy.