Seattle — UNN

After being told for years to 'invest in himself,' 30-year-old Darren Welch finally did. Now he’s broke, emotionally unstable, and somehow subscribed to six different meditation apps.

'I quit my job to find myself. Turns out I was hiding behind debt the whole time,' Darren told UNN from a bean bag in his shared studio apartment.

His journey began with a $400 online course called *Awaken The Inner Beast*. It ended with him growling at a bus driver who refused to accept PayLater.

In total, Darren spent nearly $12,000 on life coaching, crystal sets, high-performance journals, silent retreats, a sit/stand desk, and a program that promised to 'rewire his money trauma using whale noises.'

'I thought if I healed my inner child, my bank account would heal too. But now both are crying,' he admitted.

Financial advisors are calling Darren’s case the first recorded instance of 'spiritual inflation.'

When asked if he regrets anything, Darren replied: 'No. I gained clarity. And $87 in cashback points.'

He has since applied for three jobs he swore he was 'too aligned' for just two weeks ago. His LinkedIn now says: *Former Seeker. Current Deliveroo Driver.*

At press time, Darren was seen trying to sell his affirmation board on Facebook Marketplace with the caption: 'Barely used. Didn’t manifest anything.'